我失眠了

Certified to have insomnia

sleeping at 12am but waking up at 3am

I was lying on the bed listening to the song "cry on my shoulder"

I have been listening to this song since these few days

Listening to it reminds me that I got friends around me to support me no matter what 

Since I was just lying on the bed

then I decided to go online to note my feelings down

into my blog

I am not sure since when 

this blog has become part of my life

It shares my happiness and sadness

Maybe that is because when growing up 

gradually

I have less friends to talk to

heart by heart

and I realize friends that can share happiness

does not mean is ready for there to share my sadness

especially when everyone got their own problems to face with

The only difference is 

this so-called my diary is opened to any Tom, Dick and Harry

I do know my own self has a problem

which is too closed

I mean my heart

closely held by myself

and it is closed until it is too closed 

until I hardly can breathe

And I does not want to be like that anymore ever since I knew it

Cause it will cause me pain if I continue to be like that

It was like 

No one for me to share with

No one for me to talk to

because it is too closed 

I used to use metaphor when I wrote anything about someone I know

I does not want to do it anymore

It was a bit tiring, honestly speaking

I asked myself what's the point when it is just a small little thing in this world

Who cares? Who minds?

Nobody does.  

I do not mind anyone to come to my blog to read 

Cause I would not know who you are without placing a traffic feed

Then only I can write anything I want in my blog without considering your feeling

Because it is my diary

Because it is part of my life

Because it is all about my heart

I have closed down my Facebook profile because of him since yesterday

But just now I went to have a peak on my homepage

just to update myself on any news

I saw a friend's status

I am quite sure it is related to me

Actually, I am not surprise to see his response

Because he is so him, no matter what

I like him because he is being himself all the time

But,

What I want to say is

My blog is my blog

My Facebook is my Facebook 

Just like my real life is my real life

Blog is just like my diary

It talks about my hearts

Just like you won't go around to anyone else to talk about what is written in your own diary

It is opened to readers doesn't mean i will bring out to make it an issue among my friends

you can bring it on at anytime to me personally

but please do not make it an issue among friends when I am around

I felt a little bit awkward when it happened

But what do I get from his action is 

I do need to face the real things no matter what happens

Yes, at least he is there for me to face the real things when it happens

but it is in another way

at least it is another way than what I think it supposed to be 

I really understand it

For those who come to read my blog and update yourself about me, 

I am so glad to have you guys even though for some I do not know who you are

Your existence means a lot to me

in terms of giving mental support and giving me advice

What I am hoping here is

what is in my blog just leave it here

if you want to leave any comments about anything in my blog

I hope you make it here

I do not want to open another website and see things related to this when I am not ready for it 

or I should make my meaning clearly

I browse different websites according to my mood

I browse my blog when I am ready to do so

I browse Facebook when I want to update myself about friends

I will not browse my own blog when I am not ready to face my own feelings

So, do not leave your reply related to my blog posts at anywhere else other than this blog

If you do not wish to let others know who you are

you can always put as an anonymous

But I do appreciate if you could mark your name or simply an initial so I do know who you are

Thank and I really appreciate it

If i make an offence on anyone, please forgive me 

as this is the way I want to be.

Actually I do not intend to talk about this

as this is so instantly popped out when I saw a friend's status

But never mind,

at lease it ease my feelings for this lonely night.
It is 6am now 

goodnight everyone

and have a wonderful day today.

* * * * *

Slept back at 6am
Woke up at around 7.30am because of a bad dream.
I can remember it quite clearly even after I woke up.
Because it was so real.
In the dream,
My mom's part time promoter brought me some "dono-what" dessert
That time my cousins uncles aunt were at my home.
I put it in a plate.
When I was about to eat it,
My mom took it away from me and passed to my cousin
Then I was getting so mad
I shouted at my mom: It is mine It is mine why you want to take it away from me
I grabbed it away from my cousin
and threw the whole plate with untouched dessert towards my mom
In the dream, I was crying and yelling like hell
keep saying why people always want to take away something from me
Then my mom said to me:
It wasn't intended to be yours at all. Did he said this is for yours? Did he?
Then only I realize this dessert wasn't intended for me at all.
It wasn't meant to be mine.
What confused me is my relatives were not surprised to see me acting like that.
Why? They seems to know something had happened to me, which I am not sure what is that.
In the dream, I could not control my anger at all.
Yelled at everyone, shouted at everyone, like a crazy woman.
Then I went to the toilet.
The house seem weird for me as the toilet is located at the wrong side as in my house.
Suddenly there was a power blackout.
I was so scared.
I felt so unsecured.
I yelled for help but nobody was there.
I run out from the toilet, hoping my relatives were there calming me down.
But nobody was there for me.
Where did all people go?
I was freak out, so freak out.
I ran into my mom's room hoping to see my mom.
Nobody is there.
I was going crazy and nervous as I was so confused about the things just happened.
Everything doesn't seem right to me.
I kept yelling for help kept yelling for help kept yelling so loudly...until I woke up.
Until I saw my mom passed by my room, only I felt relieved that it was just a dream.
However, it doesn't seem to be just a dream.
My head felt so pain after woke up from that dream.
And I can remember everything quite clearly from the dream.
Then I calm myself down, listened to that song again and again until I fell asleep.
I thought I could sleep for a little bit longer later.
Who knows my grand parents came to wake me up for breakfast in the early morning.
Urgh, I am having headache now.