Stresssssssed relief but back to stresss again

After that day speaking test, i already have no more confidence on myself. i used to have it very much and i like the way i have confidence. However, after english tutorial presentation, i lose myself. i dono exactly what should i do to improve my english. everyday do until midnight also can't finish my homework ad, where got time to study english?? har, where go time, tell me faster tell me....... mid year test is coming somemore. Recently, every subject teacher also said last year mid year test paper. (how come?how come always mid year paper...). I haven prepard myself, not yet ready no matter in terms of psychology or mentally or physically or homeworkly or lecturerly or.....( i become more and more insane ad) juz want to emphasize i m not ready yet la. Don't know what happpen to me recently, cant concentrate on study, always feel tired like never sleep for 10 years ad. Just now went to IELTs that stupid test. The first section i already cant concentrate, feel sleepy and then missed 3 or 4 questions ad. Reached the reading test, more worst than listening. the 2nd passage and the 3rd wan damn difficult. i damn scare at that time, scare of what ar? pay rm500 than retake la. OMG, i cant imagine that i said that word... What i am thinking when it left 5 minutes but i m still got 10 more lefts? I m thinking about that rm500 looo?if the rm500 is just a glass of water for me, i wouldn't have to care so much. what if i cant graduate it and cant fly?what if i wouldn't have chance to fulfil my dream? what if.....what if... a lot of questions come to my mind suddenly. Is it that i too stressed that make me cant score well. Money is important, results is important and study is important, friends are important, family is important...............so many important things in this world, which wan to care 1st, which want to care later.......i feel no life living in my brain, no energy at all. what should i do? last time i used to stand for pressure well, but now my future is depends on others. whether go or not is depends on others, i just don't like this feelings.....i wan to have full control of my future ( even now i can said that i m still holding my own future)....

thinking about my specialist math test paper on complex number. i die in complex number in the 2nd time ad. last time 58/100 and this time 61/100. How come? others people can score 90 over sth, how come i cant? this proved that i m more stupid that others, juz more stupid and stupid and stupid.....this morning, stay at IELTS room, thinking if i can behave in this way, i sure fail even i think i will fail now, but at least when taking test, have to at least have confidence in myself....tinking back on my tutorial, i m regret that i haven prepare myself.... i juz dono what have to do to wake me up......Lan ji, wake up lo....JiJao wake up looooo.........don sleep again lo, if not you will never have chance to wake up again once you missed this chance ad lo......wake up....

i cant breath now or i m not breathing since the start of this semester? the pressure push my heart to aside, let my mind speechless in controlling.........i m drowning now, deep deep inside that sea water 100000000000000 km down...............